To the Horse That Gave Me Everything

            

            On Monday my dad will load Finn onto a trailer to head down to Maryland and start his new life. From 6 hours away I will wait patiently for the call saying he has arrived and I will do what I can to move forward with only thanks. Some horses ask more of us then we think is possible, we struggle to find the courage to jump the fences, the emotional strength to make the right decisions and the humbleness to laugh when we get eliminated at the water for the 6^th time. They force us to step outside of our comfort zones and become the people who we wish we could have been all along. It isn’t just about riding or winning, these are the horses that help us grow up.

            The truth is that nine times out of ten I had no clue what I was doing when I got on Finn, but he made me trust my own feel and let go of the fears I had harbored for so long. Even on his worst days he made me better. He trained me. For months I have tried to make Finn into what I wanted; what I thought that I needed. Things would work and then they wouldn’t and it because an endless cycle of disappointment on both sides. I felt like I was letting my best teacher down. He kept telling me he needed something else, something easier, but I couldn’t listen because I still needed him. I was selfish.

            But, Finn was still teaching, he was still forcing me to grow up. When he got to school with me he wasn’t happy, he was faltering. I saw that it was time. So now down the road he goes, to little girls, horse shows, ribbons, braids and a forever home. To new young girls to teach to be young women, finally, the opportunities are endless for the horse that gave me everything.

Ressurection

             I haven’t been in a position to write since January. Staring down at that MRI report, I didn’t know what to do. I have consistently been the over sharer. The girl at the dinner table that looks at you and exclaims, “Guess what my horse did today!” since I got the news that Finn had laminitis a lot of that has really changed. I turned away from social media and for once tried to look inward for some answers. I don’t really know how to write about the last couple of months; how to explain what it's like to go back and forth between keeping and not keeping my best friend. All I know is, the moment it stops being all about winning is the moment you finally start being able to win.

            When I got Finn I was somewhat cocky, I thought I knew everything about everything and when I walked into the barn I talked a louder talk than any other girl. All I wanted was a blue ribbon, just to prove I could. I determined my worth as a rider and owner on my penalty points at an event. I was the girl crying after the dressage, and sweating before the show jumping. I was the one who loved her horse but just didn’t know how to get around the course.
           When Finn left Brendan Furlongs with a MRI report that said Laminitis and navicular changes I really didn’t know what to say. They were mild, they were fixable, and they were what they were. However, was this the end of a partnership that hadn’t even started? In the beginning I thought about winning, I thought about ribbons and I committed myself to making him better for me, making him better so I could cross that finish line and gain what I thought that I deserved. When he got better too slowly I started to give up and I looked for other avenues; even taking another horse on trial at one point.
           I haven’t jumped a jump on my horse since March of this year and I have only cantered him about 15 times since then. Every day is a move towards strengthening as we have had set backs like two puncture wounds, a nasty bump to the leg and my move to college. Somewhere along the line I learned that I know absolutely nothing about anything. I just love my horse. It isn’t really about winning at all, and the couple times I have taken Finn to dressage shows this season he actually has won!

           I hope to be able to start the blog back up now that I have the courage back up to talk about my struggles. I hope to find some comfort in the community of people that have loved Finn for so long. Next week I'll even post some pictures of Finn’s new home in Pittsburgh!

Week 62: Fit and Happy

                  I know, I know, I have been bad. Somehow I have managed to neglect the blog for an ungodly amount of time that I would rather not cite. In the last couple weeks I have gone through some major life changes; not only have I been off of horses since December 19^th, I have also had my jaw broken and screwed back together! I must say, the first 48 hours were pretty hellish but it seems that I am on my way to looking almost normal. With the swelling down and my spirits up I can’t help but obsess over every aspect of my horse's training. It is hard to be the observer. It is hard to relinquish my grip on the reins. It is hard, but it is necessary. I have been proud of my training with Finn. I also recognize that there comes a time when someone else might be able to find some buttons that you just can’t find. When I went in for my TMJ surgery I knew that the dynamic between Finn and I was about to change. I knew that I was going to have to trust the professionals and accept the fact that he might grow more quickly than he had in my hands.

                Most of the focus in Finn’s training as of late has been on elevating and balancing his canter. Finn has a great canter, and always has, but like some horses he has struggled with truly engaging behind. While I have been able to get some pretty impressive trot work out of Finn, I really believe that Megan (trainer at Bit’ O’ Woods farm www.bitowoods.com) can get much better canter work out of him than I can. Finn is currently only in three days of work a week because I am poor and applying to college because of some constraints, but he seems to be doing pretty well. However, it does seem that he is a litttttlllleeeeee too perky outside. Some things thoroughbreds never change.

                Now that I am feeling better I have started to think about what to do with the next eight seemingly useless weeks of my life. I mean, come on, what even is life without horses? I have decided that it is time to get fit. After reading some great posts from upper level event rider Meg Kep I have come to the conclusion that my horse really does deserve a healthy rider! We ask our horses to be fit, we tell them they need to workout and we manage what they eat. If you asked any person in the barn what their horse eats they could tell you, so why should we treat ourselves any differently? I have decided to come up with a workout plan for myself and become as fit as my horse. I will be combining a ‘Couch to 5k’ workout with a weight training regime as well as a diet plan. I have decided to include both in this post but before you read further I feel the need to also say that fitness and weight loss are very different. My goal is actually to gain weight:muscle weight. Becoming fit isn't about getting skinny or looking good in leggings, it is about being the best you possible. Below are some stats and the diet plans that I am looking to follow.

 

Starting Stats

Age: 17

Height: 5 foot 3

Weight: 98 lbs.

Goal Weight: 115 lbs.

Goals: 5k Tough Mudder Run, Novice 3 day event, American Eventing Championships, Dressage @ Devon

 

 

 

Work Out!

Monday	Tuesday	Wednesday	Thursday	Friday	Saturday	Sunday
Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.   ~push-ups 3 sets of 12   ~ Military press 3 sets of 12 @ 40 lbs.   ~frontal raise 3 sets of 10 @ 25 lbs.   ~ Upright row 3 sets of 12 @ 45 lbs.   ~Lat. pull-down 3 sets of 12 @ 45 lbs.   ~bicep curl 3 sets of 12 @ 25 lbs.   ~hammer curl 3 sets of 12 @ 25 lbs.   ~kickbacks 3 sets of 12   ~dips 3 sets of 12   ~swimmers 3 sets of 50   ~crunches 3 sets of 50   ~oblique crunches 3 sets of 50	~leg extensions 3 sets of 20 @ 80 lbs.   ~squats 3 sets of 20 (with bar) @ 100 lbs.   ~leg curl 3 sets of 20 @100 lbs.   ~lunges 3 sets of 20   ~leg press 3 sets of 20 @ 100 lbs.   ~swimmers 3 sets of 50   ~crunches 3 sets of 50   ~oblique crunches 3 sets of 50	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.   ~swimmers 5 sets of 30   ~crunches 5 sets of 30   ~oblique crunches 5 sets of 30   ~push-ups 3 sets of 12   ~lunges 3 sets of 20	~push-ups 3 sets of 12   ~ Military press 3 sets of 12 @ 40 lbs.   ~frontal raise 3 sets of 10 @ 25 lbs.   ~ Upright row 3 sets of 12 @ 45 lbs.   ~Lat. pull-down 3 sets of 12 @ 45 lbs.   ~bicep curl 3 sets of 12 @ 25 lbs.   ~hammer curl 3 sets of 12 @ 25 lbs.   ~kickbacks 3 sets of 12   ~dips 3 sets of 12   ~swimmers 3 sets of 50   ~crunches 3 sets of 50   ~oblique crunches 3 sets of 50	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then alternate 90 seconds of jogging and two minutes of walking for a total of 20 minutes.   ~leg extensions 3 sets of 20 @ 80 lbs.   ~squats 3 sets of 20 (with bar) @ 100 lbs.   ~leg curl 3 sets of 20 @100 lbs.   ~lunges 3 sets of 20   ~leg press 3 sets of 20 @ 100 lbs.   ~swimmers 3 sets of 50   ~crunches 3 sets of 50   ~oblique crunches 3 sets of 50	Brisk five-minute warmup walk. Then run 1 mile for time.   ~swimmers 5 sets of 30   ~crunches 5 sets of 30   ~oblique crunches 5 sets of 30   ~push-ups 3 sets of 12   ~lunges 3 sets of 20	REST

  

 

Meal Plan! (General-you can cheat a little bit!)

 

 

 

I will also be pulling some recipe ideas from http://www.paleoplan.com/recipes

 

More to come next week with some updates on Finn and me! Happy New Year to all.

Week 56: When Horses Became a Lifestyle

                

                Riding is the kind of sport that takes over your life because, in all seriousness, it is impossible to truly be prepared for an event without investing a large amount of time. In a month I will be undergoing a surgery to correct a severe jaw disorder called TMJ and because of this surgery I will not be able to ride for up to 3 months. Just the thought of not riding for 3 months pretty much makes me feel lost. At what point did riding stop being a hobby and start being a lifestyle? I go to school because I want to be a horse vet. I go to work because I want to pay for my horse and for college. I spend time with friends because I like hearing about their horses. I online shop because my horse looks good in pink and I like to think I do too. At some point in the last 7 years riding stopped being something I did and started being something I lived. Do I regret that? Do I wonder how things would be had this not happened? I am not sure.

                I look around myself sitting on my high school benches and I realize a strange dichotomy; some sort of self-selecting separation of the students that I see every day. There are those with passions and those with interests. I see kids who play 3 sports a year. They cross-train and switch focuses with the changes in the seasons. When the snow starts to fall, the boys come in from the soccer fields and change into their basketball shoes only to play for a couple months and find their lacrosse sticks in spring. Sure, most of these kids have a favorite sport. They have a focus, an interest, an abiding love for one of the three sports. However, what makes that different from a lifestyle? When does something that you do, something that you love begin to overtake everything else?

                Every grade has a dancer, a horse girl, an actor, a dedicated musician and an ice skater. Please, forgive me for these generalizations but I fear that they do hold true. These students find a way to take their lives and mold them around the one thing they really love. They read books about it, write papers about it, dream about it, skip eating to act on it and they fantasize about a day when they can live it. They spend nights and days and even their time spent sleeping trying to find a way to rationalize why they can’t imagine living without their thing.

                I think back to my room at home: the ribbons on every ledge, the photos on every wall, the dressage tests tacked to cork boards. I think about how horses became the biggest part of who I am and who I will be. Frankly, I couldn’t tell you when the transition happened. When I stopped being a lesson kid and became a barn rat. When I stopped reading princess stories and started reading Heartland. What I can say is that, no, I don’t regret it and, no, this isn’t easy.

                The moment your life becomes horses is the moment that your life becomes both extremely rewarding and extremely difficult. The financial and emotional strain of owning horses can take a lot out of a person. Every day I walk into the barn and I see people that put everything aside to make horses part of their life. They struggle to make ends meet, they miss social functions, and they sacrifice sleeping in on Saturdays. To an outsider these people seem foolish, they seem nonsensical: why would you give up everything for horses?

                As an equestrian you give up a whole lot to gain an insurmountable amount of satisfaction. To those who laugh at your binder covered in horse stickers, to those who say that you will never be able to be happy and have a horse, to those who say that you will never find love, to those who say that you will always be poor, to those who say that you will never be part of the ‘real world’- you’re wrong. Sure, as equestrians we give up a whole lot. We pour every ounce of energy, money and dedication into what we do and at times it may seem like the return, or at least measureable return, is little. But there is one thing that equestrians have. We have horses.

                I am scared to get this surgery. I am scared that three months without sitting on my horse may actually cause me some form of bodily harm. How will I keep my thighs looking toned without my little bay horse? I ask. The reality is that no matter what, horses will still be here. I will be in the barn watching my horse be ridden days after my surgery and I will be every bit the control freak that I have always been (I am sorry Megan). The ribbons, the pictures, the old dressage tests, they will only remind me of what I have done and the person that horses have made me.

So what do you think? Is it really worth it?

Week 54: Humbling

I cant believe that I have owned Corofin for a year. The journey has been one of the most humbling experiences of my life. While it would be easy for me to blog about all of Finn’s successes (there are lots of them!) I feel like this is my opportunity to talk about what I need to work on. Last weekend I took Finn to Plantation Field. After hearing that Boyd Martin (yes, that Boys Martin) was my dressage judge, I flew around the trailer with a wet rag, wiping down tack that I ought to have cleaned earlier and attempting to whiten the stains in Finn’s socks. Overall, the dressage went fairly well, giving us a 20.5 and a 6th place position. Then came stadium. It is no secret to my friends, family and trainers that show jumping is my least favorite part of anything. Normally my warm up is filled with nerve-induced exclamations that I am destined for failure. However, this show was different. Finn warmed up beautifully; easily finding the distances and getting his changes. In the ring he was VERY perky. This perkiness was only amplified by a flaw in my riding- my inability to sit down in the saddle and stay sitting. That said, we made it out with only one rail. Coming out of stadium I was super excited! We had made it to the best part and we might actually get a ribbon. Much to my dismay, Finn and I’s water issues returned with yet another elimination.

At first I was angry. I thought that I had let him down and worst of all, I thought maybe I just wasn't trying hard enough. Here is the thing about horses- they don’t care about you. I love Finn, more than anything, but at the end of the day he really loves grass. In the last year Finn and I have grown into a pretty great pair (can you tell that I am bias?) but that does not mean that things are suddenly perfect. OTTB’s are curious creatures. They possess the intellect to both learn quickly and outsmart you. They posses the athletic ability to both jump and stop a stride out. They also have the ability to force you to recognize your own flaws. No rider is perfect. No person is perfect. With horses, the moment you start thinking you are great, the first second that you allow yourself to say, “wow look how great this is” your horse will remind you that you are wrong.

The last year has given me a balanced confidence. I am no longer insecure about my riding (most of the time) and I finally feel like part of the barn team. I also understand that things are not always in my control, and with horses you can’t be cocky. I know that they next season will be a great one, with ups, downs and the occasional sideways. Over the winter I hope to work on my position and fitness (more on that next week). I also plan to make the blog weekly!

Week 51: Confessions of a Perfectionist

                Today is a big day. After a year of blogging and research I will be presenting my findings in approximately two hours. It has been awhile since I posted on the blog and a lot has happened. I attended the NJHP recognized event and got eliminated at the water. Again. One thing that I have learned over the last year is that horses are humbling creatures. Finn flew around the first portion of the cross-country. I let him canter along and for the first time he adjusted right off of my knees. When we came down the hill to the water he just shut down. My showjumping hadn't been stellar but I went into the start box feeling pretty confident. These jumps look small. The course looks pretty soft. No bank. Small ditch. Easy in and out through the water. Lots of galloping space. We've got this. Sadly, the little voice in my head was wrong. With horses, the moment you start thinking you know everything, you realize that you know nothing. After the event I was disappointed. Two days before I went to the event I brought Finn out schooling at a nearby farm. We cantered through the water and down a bank into the water with no problem. I felt like we finally had our water issue under control and then BOOM.

                Whenever you get eliminated at an event you suddenly become far more aware of how much eventing costs. The 200 dollar entry fee that I charged to the credit card under the presumption that it is OK to do things for myself every once in a while (OK so every other weekend) suddenly felt like a million dollars. All of this got me thinking about the people at the top of our sport that get eliminated and go home empty handed. Just to compete in a training three day it can cost upwards of 300 dollars before stabling, coaching and shipping. As a young rider it can be hard to keep things in perspective. BN looks like a 3 star to me and getting eliminated at a recognized event feels a lot like losing Rolex. However, I don’t know those feelings. This last weekend was the Fair Hill International event in Elkton, Maryland. Going into the CCI 3 star competition two very competitive riders, Sally Cousins and Sinead Haplin, were looking like they might just crack the top three. Both Sally and Sinead were place respectively after dressage and both Sally and Sinead fell off on day two. For both of these riders falls are uncommon. And for both of these riders this competition was to be a qualifier for other competition.  It is hard for me to understand how these riders must have felt. Sally had a second horse to ride in the 3 star and her fall forced her to withdraw Sue. Sinead was coming off a win at the Plantation Field International 3 star and was set up to place well at Fair Hill.

                As riders we have expectations. We push our horses, our wallets and our bodies to perform as perfectly as possible. We spend cold November mornings shipping horses hours a way to compete and we set out with a positive attitude. We walk our courses, tell everybody we are feeling ready even if we aren't and leave the start box intent on having that perfect ride. The constant search for the perfect ride more than not results in disappointment. So how do we deal with this? How does a person deal with the fact that they have far less control over their performance then they would like to think? When you leave the start box do it for you. Win or lose it is all for the experience. At my first event with Corofin in May of this year my trainer looked at me and said, “eliminated or not, if you get around 5 jumps or all 10 that is 5 or 10 more jumps then you would have jumped otherwise.”  It hurts to lose entry fees, to fall off, to get eliminated on fence one, to have your horse stop at the water and try to run backwards (thanks Finn) but every time we leave the confines of our own barns, of our comfort zones, of our indoor arenas, we push ourselves and our horses to experience new things and ultimately become better riders and horse-people. Just because you finished on a letter not a number, doesn't mean you didn't learn something new.